onomatopoopa

Katie does many things very, very well. (It gets embarrassing sometimes, all the ways she outdoes me. But that's the price I pay for marrying up, I suppose.) Among her many talents, Katie cooks delicious food. And yet transcendent among her culinary achievements is one proficiency which eclipses the simple appellation "cook." She's a maven. A virtuoso. She is an artist of consummate skill -- and her especial medium is mayo:

Egg salad
Pasta salad
Tartar sauce
Potato salad
Deviled eggs
Suddenly Salad
Olive loaf
Chicken salad
Chicken salad
(the chicken salad is so good it deserves two entries)

It's not often that I don't know what to say to someone (sometimes it might be sarcastic, but I usually have a response).

UNTIL NOW.

There is a lady at my work and I have no words to describe her except that she reminds me of a not very nice relative I have and a not very nice coworker Bart has. All three seem to be from the Eastern Bloc. (Not being prejudice here--just descriptive.)

Is it just me or is she WAY out of line?

Example 1: One day I was microwaving my food in the lunchroom (my food had about a minute and a half to go) and she walked into the room, looked at the microwave, took my food out (while I was standing there), and put her food in the microwave and told me it would only be a little bit and that I could wait.

Example 2: Again I was in the lunchroom heating up my food and she was at a table talking to a coworker. She said to me, "You look cold."
me: No, I'm not cold.
her: Yes, you're cold.
me: nope
she gets up from her seat, comes over to me, and puts her hands around my upper arm then says, "Yep, you're cold"
me: "nope" and I exit with my food

Example 3: Last week we were having a celebration for another woman's college graduation and I walk into the room and she says, "oh I didn't know we were allowing minors in here." I ignored her.

This one that happened today though, it TAKES THE CAKE. (mmmm cake)
She walks by my office and says "hi minor."  [smirking]
me: silence
her: how old are you?
me: silence
her: you are very young.
me: silence
her: when i was young I wanted to be older. Do you want to be older?
me: no
her: do you want to be younger?
me: no
her: how is life for you?
me: excuse me?
her: do you have brothers?
me: no
her: oh, that's right, you are an only child
me: silence
her: how is that?
me: silence
her: you probably never had to share anything.
me: silence
her: you probably got everything. (long explanation about how she had to share with her sister)
me: silence
her: how is life?
me: [pause] fine
she leaves.

WHAT THE CRAP????????  Could someone please explain this to me before I slap her?

Sorry, this is not some sort of announcement, but I started noticing some things that will really give me an edge when Bart and I decide to make the plunge.

I hardly ever get to go to the bathroom in peace. If by chance, I get the opportunity to take that much needed break, I cannot walk the 50 feet to the bathroom without being cornered by someone wanting something from me. I'm sure those people with kids know what this feels like. My bladder has become made of STEEL. I think it's payback for all those times I followed my mom to the bathroom and never gave her some private time.

Speaking of the bathroom, I've mentioned that I share a bathroom with the patients and everyone else on the floor. There is never a time when there is not pee on the seat and/or the floor. And I'm sure you can imagine what the smell is like. Dirty diapers have nothing on me!

People whine and complain to me all the time. I am really good at ignoring it completely by saying "uh-huh" and staring at the computer.

I get as far as heating up my lunch, but I never get to consume it warm. It is usually cold and eaten over the course of an hour and a half, in between interruptions.

By my calculations, the main thing I need to figure out is how my job teaches me about sleep deprivation. But then again, maybe it's best to leave some things for surprises.

I was reading about fingernails falling off while I was at work. Someone mentioned a Nail Fairy. I'm assuming this is like the Tooth Fairy. If so, I would like to put in my request to the Nail Fairy.

Dear Nail Fairy,
Please be sure to visit my house and leave something under my pillow in exchange for my nail that will probably fall off in a few weeks.

I like chocolate and money.

Your friend,
Katie

Aww, look at that cute little furry-tailed squirrel eating a delicious White Cheddar Cheez-It® cracker, right? WRONG. Think again, more along the lines of vicious and aggressive.

We're down in DC, having a picnic on some shady grass next to Judiciary Square and the National Building Museum this afternoon. An adorable little squirrel comes along, and we toss it a piece of strawberry. (Do squirrels eat strawberries? Well, in any case, this blood-thirsty villain doesn't.) We toss it a cracker. It ignores the offerings, but stares at us. And stares. And stares. [Que scary music.] It comes closer, and closer. When ole fuzzy-wuzzy is about three feet away from me, Katie starts to get uneasy. When it's one foot from me, Katie is timorous. My male dismissiveness of danger kicks in, and I off-handedly ask if she wants me to get rid of the little guy. (Does this attitude remind you of pigeon poop? Maybe it should.) So I swing my water bottle in its direction to scare it off. Scaring happens, but not to the squirrel. Instead, it jumped toward us, landing on my leg. Katie screamed. Other picnickers looked up. I swung again with my water bottle (why oh why did I already set down my plastic mayo-spreading knife?!), but missed. He bounded out of range, and picked up the previously-tossed Cheez-It®, crunching away as if nothing had happened. I took a picture.

Feeling like the victor for having braved this onslaught, I return to eating. Wrong decision. Every time we turned our heads away, he'd come a few inches closer, preparing for a second sortie. We eyed him closely, watching our food but little. Then, our attention diverted, reinforcements came bounding through the grass behind me. Katie sounded retreat, and we hastily gathered our remaining food and beat a shamed withdrawal to a distant patch of grass -- abandoning the couple thirty feet away to their fate....

Come visit us, as Diane did, and this is how you can spend your week...

Second emergency room visit: they drilled a hole in Katie's fingernail to drain the "massive subungual hematoma" -- the tremendous amount of thick, black blood that was collecting under her fingernail, causing tremendous pain.

Freddie: the splint she wore for the first 10 days.

Susie: the splint she wears now, after visiting the orthopaedist.

Leftie: for comparison.

My first trip to the emergency room.

My first broken bone.

Ouch--who knew a finger could hurt this much?

Tell me about the first time you broke a bone... Misery loves company, right? :-)

Granted.

Why do people tell me things I really don't want to know about? This particularly happens with coworkers and people in our branch. I have learned about:

women going through menopause
periods
breastfeeding habits (are you noticing a trend here?)
Note: this happened after I posted this, but someone just spoke to me about their son's pubic hair development. What is WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

But it doesn't stop there, I've also learned about coworkers who are going to get fired and why certain people hate other people. Is it the nature of my job? I do not gossip with people as I've learned from experience that it is NOT good for anyone. But how on earth do I get people to stop telling me things? Advice would be appreciated--for my own sanity.

What happened to the dignity of privacy?

For some time now I have been convinced that nothing good ever happens on Tuesdays, and in fact, everything bad always happens on that fateful day. The universe has just proven me wrong. 

 Congratulations Bart!!

Has anyone ever noticed how many ups and downs life brings? Even though some of these are minor, I didn't know how fast the ups and downs could occur! For example:

Last night:
Down: Found out mom has to have eye surgery. I don't think surgery could get more disgusting than that, although I'm probably wrong since they just use a laser.
Up: Found out that she has to wear an eye patch. That's pretty hilarious.
Down: Relief Society activity planning is stressful and tiring, especially when your husband is your only active committee member.
Up: The missionaries were at the building last night and helped us set up all the tables and chairs for the activity.

This morning:
Down: It was raining and windy today. I hate them both.
Up: I have cute rain boots and a raincoat.
Down: Rude patients on the elevator meanly told me I shouldn't care what I look like (says the woman in a mumu and slippers [slippers!] and a bald homeless-looking man).
Up: Bart was able to schedule his thesis committee meeting with relative ease and careful follow-up. HOORAY!

All in all, I think the ups outweigh the downs. Perhaps a better way to phrase it would be the blessings outweigh the challenges.

Everybody remembered my birthday. I got a phone call, text, package, or card from everyone in both families. It made me feel really good. Thank you, everyone!!

To Bart:
I memorized this poem in my first college English course. I recited it so well I actually got an A and decided that I should major in English (nothing like making major life decisions on a whim, right?). I thought the words spoke so beautifully of how a marriage should be. Little did I know that it was actually possible and that just a few years later I would have that very thing. I wish I could say it better (or even not in a poem since you are a scientist and not a poet) how much I love you, but this will have to do. Here's to three wonderful years! (starting tomorrow)


Most Like an Arch This Marriage

by John Ciardi

On Friday we got 28.5 inches of snow:


Today we got another 14 inches -- and a day off of work!


And this is what we did while we were snowed in:
(Hint: we want you to be impressed with our scores. We are very proud of them. If you aren't impressed, just pretend that you are.)


Here's hoping for another one!

Katie's been to 38 states:


Bart's been to 32 states:



Bart and Katie have been to 18 states together:

(Not bad for three years.)

Not counting airports.
Plus Washington DC (which isn't a state).

Where have you been?
http://www.epgsoft.com/VisitedStatesMap/VisitedStatesMap.html

I'm just a good worker, hard worker, determined worker. Here I am posting during my new job. I'm incredible. Or maybe I should just be more proactive. . . ? . . . Naw.

I put this comment on Becca's blog, but thought it would be a funny post. Or maybe I'm just amused by myself.

I just had an ultrasound recently and it was disgusting. Did you know that you can get an ultrasound in your eye and that they put the goop directly in your eye and roll that thing around on top of YOUR EYE!?!! I thought I might vomit. I even told that to the tech.

Bart and I will probably be MIA for a little while because, well, I basically just got a new job--without asking for it. Pretty exciting, huh? I am now working as an Executive Assistant for the Chairman, or should I say, Chairwoman, of our department. The proposition was sprung on me at 4:30 Tuesday afternoon (right in the middle of my watching Teen Mom). Goodbye entertaining TV at work days... Oh, and my old boss is so sad right now (READ: pissed that he has to do my work and doesn't know how). Guess I get to put all of those anal, organizational abilities to good use. I think this will be an awesome diet for me--when you don't have time for lunch or breakfast, those holiday pounds sure do come off quickly! (Or at least that's what should happen!)

Oh, and, um, of course there is my even more busy husband. Bart's work on his paper is really picking up speed and we are simply bracing ourselves (and getting really excited) for all that will come when he is published and we get closer to his graduation. YOU CAN DO IT BART! I love you!

It is literally CRAZY TIME around here.

And I didn't even mention our Branch because we haven't yet been to church yet. That will be a barrel of laughs, or should I say flu-like germs, once we finally get to a Sunday.

Oh, but we did have the gas company come to our house on Monday night because we had a gas leak. Have we really only been home for 4 days?

If this seems disjointed, that's a perfect representation of what my new job is like. Can you handle it?