onomatopoopa

Katie does many things very, very well. (It gets embarrassing sometimes, all the ways she outdoes me. But that's the price I pay for marrying up, I suppose.) Among her many talents, Katie cooks delicious food. And yet transcendent among her culinary achievements is one proficiency which eclipses the simple appellation "cook." She's a maven. A virtuoso. She is an artist of consummate skill -- and her especial medium is mayo:

Egg salad
Pasta salad
Tartar sauce
Potato salad
Deviled eggs
Suddenly Salad
Olive loaf
Chicken salad
Chicken salad
(the chicken salad is so good it deserves two entries)

It's not often that I don't know what to say to someone (sometimes it might be sarcastic, but I usually have a response).

UNTIL NOW.

There is a lady at my work and I have no words to describe her except that she reminds me of a not very nice relative I have and a not very nice coworker Bart has. All three seem to be from the Eastern Bloc. (Not being prejudice here--just descriptive.)

Is it just me or is she WAY out of line?

Example 1: One day I was microwaving my food in the lunchroom (my food had about a minute and a half to go) and she walked into the room, looked at the microwave, took my food out (while I was standing there), and put her food in the microwave and told me it would only be a little bit and that I could wait.

Example 2: Again I was in the lunchroom heating up my food and she was at a table talking to a coworker. She said to me, "You look cold."
me: No, I'm not cold.
her: Yes, you're cold.
me: nope
she gets up from her seat, comes over to me, and puts her hands around my upper arm then says, "Yep, you're cold"
me: "nope" and I exit with my food

Example 3: Last week we were having a celebration for another woman's college graduation and I walk into the room and she says, "oh I didn't know we were allowing minors in here." I ignored her.

This one that happened today though, it TAKES THE CAKE. (mmmm cake)
She walks by my office and says "hi minor."  [smirking]
me: silence
her: how old are you?
me: silence
her: you are very young.
me: silence
her: when i was young I wanted to be older. Do you want to be older?
me: no
her: do you want to be younger?
me: no
her: how is life for you?
me: excuse me?
her: do you have brothers?
me: no
her: oh, that's right, you are an only child
me: silence
her: how is that?
me: silence
her: you probably never had to share anything.
me: silence
her: you probably got everything. (long explanation about how she had to share with her sister)
me: silence
her: how is life?
me: [pause] fine
she leaves.

WHAT THE CRAP????????  Could someone please explain this to me before I slap her?

Sorry, this is not some sort of announcement, but I started noticing some things that will really give me an edge when Bart and I decide to make the plunge.

I hardly ever get to go to the bathroom in peace. If by chance, I get the opportunity to take that much needed break, I cannot walk the 50 feet to the bathroom without being cornered by someone wanting something from me. I'm sure those people with kids know what this feels like. My bladder has become made of STEEL. I think it's payback for all those times I followed my mom to the bathroom and never gave her some private time.

Speaking of the bathroom, I've mentioned that I share a bathroom with the patients and everyone else on the floor. There is never a time when there is not pee on the seat and/or the floor. And I'm sure you can imagine what the smell is like. Dirty diapers have nothing on me!

People whine and complain to me all the time. I am really good at ignoring it completely by saying "uh-huh" and staring at the computer.

I get as far as heating up my lunch, but I never get to consume it warm. It is usually cold and eaten over the course of an hour and a half, in between interruptions.

By my calculations, the main thing I need to figure out is how my job teaches me about sleep deprivation. But then again, maybe it's best to leave some things for surprises.

I was reading about fingernails falling off while I was at work. Someone mentioned a Nail Fairy. I'm assuming this is like the Tooth Fairy. If so, I would like to put in my request to the Nail Fairy.

Dear Nail Fairy,
Please be sure to visit my house and leave something under my pillow in exchange for my nail that will probably fall off in a few weeks.

I like chocolate and money.

Your friend,
Katie

Aww, look at that cute little furry-tailed squirrel eating a delicious White Cheddar Cheez-It® cracker, right? WRONG. Think again, more along the lines of vicious and aggressive.

We're down in DC, having a picnic on some shady grass next to Judiciary Square and the National Building Museum this afternoon. An adorable little squirrel comes along, and we toss it a piece of strawberry. (Do squirrels eat strawberries? Well, in any case, this blood-thirsty villain doesn't.) We toss it a cracker. It ignores the offerings, but stares at us. And stares. And stares. [Que scary music.] It comes closer, and closer. When ole fuzzy-wuzzy is about three feet away from me, Katie starts to get uneasy. When it's one foot from me, Katie is timorous. My male dismissiveness of danger kicks in, and I off-handedly ask if she wants me to get rid of the little guy. (Does this attitude remind you of pigeon poop? Maybe it should.) So I swing my water bottle in its direction to scare it off. Scaring happens, but not to the squirrel. Instead, it jumped toward us, landing on my leg. Katie screamed. Other picnickers looked up. I swung again with my water bottle (why oh why did I already set down my plastic mayo-spreading knife?!), but missed. He bounded out of range, and picked up the previously-tossed Cheez-It®, crunching away as if nothing had happened. I took a picture.

Feeling like the victor for having braved this onslaught, I return to eating. Wrong decision. Every time we turned our heads away, he'd come a few inches closer, preparing for a second sortie. We eyed him closely, watching our food but little. Then, our attention diverted, reinforcements came bounding through the grass behind me. Katie sounded retreat, and we hastily gathered our remaining food and beat a shamed withdrawal to a distant patch of grass -- abandoning the couple thirty feet away to their fate....