Dear Postmaster General,
Hi. How are you? Thank you for bringing me coupons to cool stores and forwarding my mail when I move. This letter is not just a thank you note, but written so I could ask a few questions. Did you put up a camera in my office and record the last 5 months of frustration I have experienced at work? Did you rig my printer to jam when I had to send out a huge mailing last week? Do you know my boss, "Awhhhhhhh Freak Out", I mean, John? Or for that matter, my other boss, P. Head? Maybe you learned that SLF has changed his mind for the 5 billionth time about obtaining CME credit for his precious Anniversary event, which will cause me a lot, LOT LOT of work. Have you been tape recording the conversations Bart and I have on our way home from work wherein I tell him about my day? Or maybe you have just been doing a little snooping through my emails to my mom? Forgive me for asking, but I have to know how on earth you would know that I might need the following brochure:
Playing in the Sun (June 2015)
9 years ago
He knows our innermost thoughts.
Unfortunately, what he doesn't know is that the mail carrier assigned to our house doesn't like the rain, snow, cold, humidity, or Fridays, and so doesn't deliver the mail under any of those conditions, and just takes it home and leaves it in the basement. (Not joking.)
Bart, you forgot the days before and after holidays, i.e., Kwanzaa, Easter Monday (which is apparently a holiday around here), Pencil Day, etc, etc....
Bart used to think the coolest thing was to go to the mailman when he was delivering the mail and ask him for a rubber band. It was WAY cooler than getting a happy meal toy or cereal box prize because not just anyone could get an official postal service rubber band. Oh wait, maybe it was me who thought that it was cool. Probably. But maybe Bart did too.
Are you trying to tell me Easter Monday is not a Holiday? There goes my favorite day of the year...
So Newman is you postmaster? "Let me let you in on a secret. Zip codes? They're meaningless."
Our mailman tried to steal my 7th Harry Potter book the day it came out. I do not have proof as of yet, but I know it, and he knows it, and he knows I know it!